A 5 Step Guide to Becoming Annoyingly Positive
Conquer sadness and live the life of your dreams
As with any goal, there is an exact science to achieving “Annoyingly Positive” status. A blueprint laid out for you here, in a step by step guide. In order to achieve this goal, you must closely follow the rules listed below. And quickly decide how you can begin incorporating them into your day-to-day life.
Rules, I might add, that if skipped, can completely interfere with your desired outcome.
Without further ado, here is a 5 step guide to annoying the crap out of your friends and family, becoming unrelatable, and living the inauthentic (but positive!) life of your dreams.**
Rule #1 — Deny That You’re Sad
The cardinal rule.
If for whatever reason you start feeling sad, deny it as quickly as possible. It only exists if you acknowledge it. Don’t acknowledge it and watch it fade away.
If you can master this first rule, every rule hereafter becomes obsolete. Unnecessary. Enough emphasis cannot be placed on this rule:
Deny that you’re sad!
Rule #2 — Never Let Anyone Know You’re Sad
If — God forbid — you are unable to deny your sadness, for goodness’ sake don’t let anyone know you’re sad.
A sub-rule that most people overlook here is: no matter what you do, do not tell your friends, partner, or — please, no — your mom.
Your sadness will only dampen their mood and eventually make them sad. Now look what you’ve done.
Sadness spreads like wildfire. Keep it contained!
Rule #3 — Find Ways to Push Out the Sadness
There is an arsenal of tools at your disposal:
Social media
My personal favorite. I find it therapeutic to see how other people are living their lives. A surefire way to ease my suffering and get me back to tiptop shape.
Alcohol
A 2015 Vintage Josh Cellars Cabernet Sauvignon does the trick for me. I buy one for every day of the week. Regardless of your drink of choice, stock up. You never know when sadness will rear its ugly head.
Binge Eating
This one is very effective, especially combined with television. You’re in for a transformation.
Shopping
While I don’t partake in this option as much, from the few shoppers I know, it can be immensely effective. Walk in sad, walk out happy. It’s as simple as that.
Rule #4 — Keep Moving, Don’t Sit Still
Stay busy! Don’t let yourself drop into a lull. Even for a second. If you do, sadness will creep back in and ruin all the hard work you’ve put in.
There’s a lot of controversy surrounding this particular rule. Some suggest sitting with the sadness, as if it were a friend. I call bull$&^%. Sadness is not your friend. It has nothing nice to say. Positivity is the only teacher you should listen to.
Go to the gym. Hang out with friends (keep a tight-lip about the sadness though). Stock up on to-do lists. Schedule back-to-back events. Do. Not. Sit. Still.
I knew a guy once who sat still and he’s, like, a completely different person now. And not in a good way. I hardly recognize him.
Rule #5 — Spread the Wealth
Once you’ve mastered the steps above, it’s time to spread the wealth.
Show people how positive you are. Preach to the masses. Paint a picture for others to see. Once the recognition rolls in, you can begin to store it away like a squirrel before winter. And dip into it whenever your positivity meter runs low.
When in doubt…
feed into your distractions! It helps elbow out the sadness. Remember, sadness has no place in your home. Kick that sucker out like he’s your redneck, homophobic uncle.
Positively begets positivity. By adhering to the rules above, you can make sadness a thing of the past, and start living the inauthentic (but positive!) life of your dreams.
Thanks for reading =)
** P.S. In case it was not abundantly clear, this was a satirical piece. In fact, I highly recommend reading it upside down — meaning, everything it says, do the opposite.
